Thursday, December 27, 2007

DNA...It's a Funny Thing

How is it that siblings that didn't really grow up together can all be so alike as to all be incredible smart asses and have the same sense of humor? How is it that we can all look like our mother but not really look like each other? These are the conundrums that I have been wrestling with since spending so much time with my family this week.

We also have a weird doppleganger effect in my family too. You can have a cousin twice removed that looks so much like you that you could be twins. I have a niece that looks so much like me (especially now that we have the same hair color) her own toddler got us confused. Imagine a two year old sitting happily in what she thinks is her mother's lap, suddenly looking up and seeing her real mother walk through the door. That was one confused little girl for a couple of minutes. I even confused my other niece for my own sister a couple of times this week. How crazy is that? I remember confusing my grandmother and one of her sisters a lot when I was a kid because they looked so much a like.

As you can imagine, family reunions are quite fun. Everyone one walks around really confused and afraid to call anyone by name. Once about five years ago, I was at a family reunion and I spotted a guy that I thought was my brother across the room. I turned to California Mom (she's my cousin) and said, "I didn't know Donny was coming to the reunion and my God, he's gained a hundred pounds!"

"That's not your brother," she replied, 'that's Darryl, your cousin. He is Nanny's (our grandmother) great nephew." I almost fell out of my chair. It was the eeriest thing I'd ever seen.

Our DNA also carries odd habits as well. For instance, many people in my family have this weird habit of sticking out their tongue when they get engrossed in something. (I'm doing it now as I type.) It's freaky to see a relative you've never met do the same damn thing.

So, I guess what my rambling is really about is to warn everyone out in cyberspace that if you are ever in the south and meet a group of people that all look exactly alike and they are all sticking their tongues out, don't be frightened it's probably just a few of my relatives. They're harmless, but they might crack a joke or two at your expense because we are all a bunch of smart asses. You can't say you weren't warned.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Dear Santa....

I can explain, really I can. I tried very hard to be good this year, but as you well know, my inner smart ass can get a little out of control. I know I've had bad thoughts about people this year (especially the Asshole Thief who stole my debit card number), but that was really warranted don't you think? By the way, can you even read thoughts or is that just Baby Jesus? Anyway, I've tried be really good, I even gave quite a bit to charity this year and I'm always nice to people even when they're not really all that nice to me. I have done a great job of holding my tongue. That should count for something.

So considering that I have given being good my all this year, I only have one request. I want a boyfriend (for a complete update on the situation, please read the previous post Crash and Burn, it explains a lot). I'm not asking for a perfect man, just a nice guy who won't mind if I have a nervous break down occasionally (you can tell him I make up for it by cooking a mean steak). He doesn't have to be the most gorgeous guy in the world, just pleasing to me and he has to have a sense of humor, otherwise he will run away from me quickly. A really intelligent guy who's a great kisser would be a big bonus.

I'll even see if I can get Baby Jesus to give me a reference on the whole being good thing if that would help expedite my request. I think he is into the whole forgiveness scene and can vouch that I have at least tried to repent for those bad thoughts (and the occasional four letter word).

Hope this letter finds you well and that you really do read blogs.

Love,
Two Date Diva

P.S. The peanut butter cookies will be waiting just like always, but I took out the trans fat for you.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Crash and Burn

Today was one of those days in which I really wished I had a boyfriend or husband. A nice guy to curl up next to and just sob uncontrollably about the shitty events of the last week. I want to cry for my brother in law dying too young and for my sister losing her husband of over 20 years and for my nieces and nephews that lost their father. I also want to cry for myself and my own stupidity of having my debit card number stolen and all of the crap associated with that. I just want to sit and have a damn good sob. But I don't, even though I know I would probably feel better to just let it all out.

I don't cry because I don't have someone to hold me and tell me its okay to just let go. Someone to tell me everything is going to be okay even though he can't fix it. It'll be okay because I can lean on him. No matter what, he's got my back. I don't cry because lying on my bed sobbing uncontrollably seems so pathetic when I am alone. Not to mention it freaks out the cat.

So, instead, I go about my day and shed a couple of tears here and there and refuse to break down mainly because I don't have anyone to pick me back up and tell me I'm going to be fine. Maybe that's what I'll ask Santa for this year, a boyfriend who'll, above all else , just let me curl up on his chest and be a total chick for just a minute and cry my eyeballs out.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Trust the Tingle

As I write this post, I have steam pouring out of my ears. I am pissed off beyond belief. Pissed at myself and at the asshole that stole my debit card number and decided to go on a shopping spree at 3AM this morning.

This week as I was driving back and forth to Ga. to be with my family after my brother in law died, I stopped and got gas twice. On Monday, I stopped at a gas station and the card reader on the gas pump wouldn't work. I took the card to the clerk and she told me that since I was filling up my tank, they would hold the card until I finished pumping gas (so I wouldn't drive off without paying). My tail tingled. I didn't like the idea of leaving my card with the cashier. My Little Voice spoke up and suggested I just get $20 bucks worth of gas and get more later if I needed it. However, I was in a hurry and not really thinking straight and I over ruled her. Stupid me. Apparently, while I was getting my gas, someone wrote down my card number and went on an online shopping spree this morning. I know this had to be what happened because my card never left my hand any other time.

Thankfully, I check my bank balance obsessively and I noticed weird charges this AM. I walked across the street to my credit union and they pulled up a list of nearly $300 worth of unauthorized charges due to be debited from my account. The little thief had been busy. I had to sit and go through them and write a short note about the ones that were unauthorized so that the bank could stop the transfers. I also had to completely cancel my debit card and order a new one. All in all it is taken care of, but it just irritates me that I didn't listen to my instincts. It was a stupid mistake that could have cost me a lot.

However, it could have been much worse. Since it is the holidays, I bet the thief was banking (no pun intended) on the fact that people are generally too busy and preoccupied during this time of year and wouldn't notice a few extra charges or might not even notice any charges until they got a monthly statement or checks started bouncing. Dumb ass picked the wrong card number to steal. I pay attention. A lot.

And I'm also smarter than the average duck. I called up one of the companies and without telling them that my card number was stolen was able to convince them that I was the wife of a man that had ordered something to be shipped. Since we'd just moved to a new area, I was pretty sure that my "husband" had typed in the wrong zip code in the shipping address. I just needed them to tell me what shipping address that my "husband" had given them so I could make sure it was correct. They gave it to me. Along with the email address that my "husband" used to place the order. Two can play this game Mr. Asshole Thief. I, of course, will be passing this information along to the police.

Moral of the story: Trust the Tingle and if you're a thief don't piss off the itty bitty chick with the really big temper.

Big 'Ol Honkin' Baby

.....of the family, that is. That would be me. I have two older brothers and an older sister and it has come to my attention that I really am the typical baby of the family. I was quite shocked to realize this fact this week. Let's recap.

My sister's husband died suddenly over the weekend and my brothers and I all rallied to her side to help out in any way we could. (Hence my absence from cyberspace this week.) We may not all be very close any more, but if one of us is in trouble, we can mobilize in a heartbeat. This mobilization brought us all together for the funeral and other activities this week and I had yet another of my famous epiphanies. I am so the baby.

They are all a bit older older than me and have families and kids and now grand kids. (Yikes!) (Side note: at 34 years old, I am way too damn young to be great aunt!) We also did not grow up in the same house as they all lived with their father's family and I lived with my mom. So, basically, I have always considered myself to have more of the traits of an only child or a first born (for those of you who have read The Birth Order Book, you know what I am talking about).
However, upon catching everyone up on the goings on of my life, it hit me that I am the typical baby child.

While they have all been raising families and now burying spouses way too soon (my sister is only 40 and her husband 41), I have been working, writing, dating and flitting about the world traveling just because I could. Sound like a baby to anyone else?

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not the irresponsible "come bail me out of jail" baby sister, but I have definitely not walked the same path as my older siblings. I have a great job, own a home and I pay all of my bills and such, but I don't have nearly the family responsibilities and such that they are all dealing with. I made a conscious choice not to be a mother in my twenties. My siblings all jumped onto the marriage/baby train pretty early and even though I married young, I knew that I didn't want to have kids right away because I wanted to see a bit of the world first. And I have. But just to illustrate the gap in lifestyles, let's look at one of the conversations we had this week, shall we?

My Sister: Well I became a grandma for the second time just before Thanksgiving, what have you been up to?

Me: Not much, traveling, working, you know the same 'ol same 'ol.

My Sister: Are you married?

Me: No! I would have told you if I was married!

My Sister: Why not?

Me: Just haven't found the right guy blah, blah, bah........(I rambled off some kind of bullshit at this point because I was trying hard not be a smart ass to a woman who had just woken up next to her dead husband the day before.)

My Sister: Where have you been traveling to?

Me: Mexico, Belize, mostly the Caribbean. I love the Caribbean.

My Sister: Oh.........(Looking perplexed and not relating at all, she's never even been on a plane.)

And so it hit me, I am really the baby. I'm definitely the one running around and having a great time while they have all put down roots and settled in. Even though, I love all of them and their kids and grand kids (yikes again!) I have got to say it, I have lived a pretty damn good life and I don't feel like I have missed anything by not traveling the same road they all did.

Someday, I will have the husband and the kids and the grand kids, but I will also have the comfort in knowing that I lived a little before I did all of that. And I have enjoyed every single minute of it.

And I'm not going to feel bad about being the baby because really if anyone is to blame here it's my mom, after all, she did have me last.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Are Those Your Real Eyes?


Random guy in bar
: "Wow, you have the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen! Are those your real eyes?"

Me (A little tipsy from a couple of beers and not in the mood to be hit on by yet another guy wearing a wedding ring): "No, actually these are my faux eyeballs, I keep the real ones in a safe deposit box so they don't get stolen."

Random guy walks away, looking a bit perplexed.

End scene.

Two Date Diva Dictionary

In response to a few emails I have gotten I am going to create a dictionary to make it easier to understand my ramblings. I will update as necessary! Feel free to use these words in conversation but don't blame me if people look at you like you're crazy.


Oomph- this is my word for chemistry. In its subtlest form, it is the feeling of “wow I really like this person, I think I would like to get to know him/her better”. In its raw and most potent form, it is the “I want to crawl across the table and rip his/her clothes off with my teeth” feeling.


Ghost- A person that you are dating or shopping to date that just disappears and cuts off communication with no explanation.

Clusterfuck- a huge mess that is indescribable.

OLD-Short for Online Dating.

Crapola- a fancy word for crap.

Boomerang Boys- boys you broke up with or that broke up with you but they come back around asking for a mulligan.

Mulligan- a golf term it means do-over.

Tail Tingle- that suspicious feeling you get that something just isn’t right. (Also referred to as the Spidey sense occasionally.)

FWB-Short for friends with benefits.


Blowtorch- a person that comes on nauseatingly strong in the beginning of the relationship. However, these people’s feelings usually burn out as quickly as they flared up.

Chick Nip- a fragrance or scent that has the same effect on women that cat nip has on cats. They lose all sense of control.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Tag

Here goes Erin

1. Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
2. Share 5 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 5 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. I am officially a chocoholic.
2. I once kept dating a guy for a couple of months because he was a little crazy and the crazy entertained me. I didn't really like him, I just wanted to see what crazy shit he would do or say next. (I know, I'm a bit of a freak.)
3. I was married for 7 years to my high school sweet heart.
4. I once dumped a guy because he was a terrible kisser.
5. I am obsessed with the discovery channel and itunes.

I am tagging:
Seeing Single
Average Girl

Monday, December 10, 2007

My New Motto for Dating.....

I used to have a motto that said "date like you don't need it."

But today I found a new one:
"I will not date a man just because he has a penis and a pulse."

I found this article today and she mentions this in item #2. I thought it was a pretty great read.

Enjoy!

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Top 10 Signs You Might Be at a Holiday Party in the South

10. It's December 8th and it's 75 degrees outside.
9. There is more alcohol than food at the party.
8. Female guests can talk football as good or better than the male guests at the party (and they can do it backwards while wearing heels).
7. Party guests can be divided into two categories Gator fans or Seminole fans.
6. Guests will water the host's lawn and shrubbery if the bathroom is occupied.
5. Party goers get into a shouting match screaming "Gators" or "Noles" at one another.
4. Guests are dressed in shorts and flip flops in the middle of December.
3. Guests walk in and pick "dibs" on rooms to sleep in if they get too drunk to drive.
2. Somebody always makes a red velvet cake.
1. The entire party stops to watch the Heisman Trophy ceremony.

Cheap Date

Last night I went out on a date...with myself. And I've decided, I'm a pretty cheap date. I took some friends up on the invite to meet at a local bar where a favorite band of ours was playing. We usually hang out and dance and drink and have a great time. I have definitely been in the mood for and in need of a great time. I was in a funk earlier this week, you will recall.

I took myself out for a great night of dancing and general debauchery for a whopping $7. Yep, you read that right $7. There was a $3 cover charge to get in and get one of those nifty "yes, I am over 21" bright pink wrist bands and I bought one beer for $4. Ladies and gentlemen, I think that officially makes me the cheapest date I've ever gone out with. And I had the best time on $7 that a girl could ever have. I danced until my feet almost fell off.

I give myself a hard time about going out sometimes because I think that it will cost a fortune and I don't want to waste the money, but this time I may have proven myself completely wrong about that theory. Sometimes, it really is good to be me.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Captain Sav-A-Ho to the Rescue

Friend: You're not still dating that blonde goatee guy are you?

Me: Nope, he ghosted about 2 months ago.

Friend: Good.

Me: Why?

Friend: He and I have a few mutual friends and I saw him at a party a few days ago. He was with another girl. I knew you guys had dated, but I wasn't sure if he was stepping out on you or not.

Me: No, we're done, he said he give me a call and we'd get together for dinner one Friday night and he still hasn't called. So, next!

Friend: So, it doesn't bother you that he would be with another girl so soon?

Me: No! We only dated for a couple of months.

Friend: Thank God, cause I've been dying to tell you that he's crazy! He did you a favor by ghosting. He's actually living with this new girl, they moved in together about 6 weeks ago. She's got three kids by three different men and she just lost her job because she's a meth head. He felt sorry for her and they "fell in love". She was about to get evicted so he moved her and her kids in with him.

Me: So let me get this straight, Captain Sav-A Ho ghosted on me for an unemployed single mother of three (by three different baby daddies) with a rockin' meth habit. Well, my self esteem just hit an all time low.

WTF? Engagement Chicken?

I have now heard of everything. I found this article on an ivillage blog and I almost peed my pants laughing. Engagement Chicken? What will the Marriage Gods think up next to drive single girls crazy? However, if there are any of you out there that have boyfriends and want to try this out, let us know how it goes! Inquiring minds want to know.

Edited to add...
Now that Seeing-Single is back in the dating game, I vote that she cook this up for one of her dates and report back! ;)

Engagement Chicken


Wednesday, December 5, 2007

And Another One Boomerangs Back Again Part Deux

Earlier in the week I posted about getting contacted by an ex that I dated about a year ago. Another boy decided to boomerang back around.

Long story very short, we dated for about six months and then he ghosted, which was very irritating but I didn't get too upset because he was so moody. I knew that eventually things would end because I have dated several moody broody boys in the past and that behavior is a deal breaker for me. It's just too exhausting to deal with.

So, just before Thanksgiving, he called. He found a couple of pieces of clothing that I left at his house and he wanted to stop by and see me when he was in town for the holiday so he could return them. I told him that it wasn't necessary because I hadn't even missed the clothing. However, he called the day after Thanksgiving again, wanting to come by and see me and drop them off. I wasn't home and he left a message.

I can't figure it out. Why would he call, to make amends? He didn't. He doesn't strike me as the type to want to have a big emotional discussion about how things ended. So, I'm stumped. Anyway, I returned his call but he hasn't called back, so we'll wait and see.

Thank You!

Thanks to the folks that emailed me or left comments yesterday with words of encouragement and advice for getting out of my funk. Today is another day and a much better one at that.

I found this article this morning and hopefully if any of you are experiencing a funk of your own during the holidays, due to your single status or otherwise, it will help just a bit. I'm not even sure if this is what my problem is or not, but the article gave me a few good ideas.

Holiday Blues


Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Pollyanna Has Left the Building.....

Okay, it's official! I am in a funk. No more feeling antsy or unsettled. I'm settled alright, settled right down into a good old fashioned funk of a mood. Let's recap shall we?

1. I'm still wrestling with a project that I thought was completed last week and I can't for the life of me figure out why it is not working as it should. Oh, and the person working on the project with me is gone.... for a month.

2. Other projects are piling up and I can't get to them fast enough. People are waiting impatiently and wanting stuff done now.

3. The refinancing of my house is taking freaking forever and I'm going to have to bring $ to closing that I had not planned on. Grrr.

4. Not looking forward to holiday parties and such alone (again) this year.


Pollyanna needs a nap and maybe some chocolate.

Feeling Antsy

I have been struggling with this antsy unsettled feeling for days now and I can't seem to shake it. I was posting on one of the ivillage message boards about how I am conflicted about taking a date to a holiday party. It's not because I am dating the guy and I want him to meet my friends because he's not a guy that I'm dating. I just don't want to go to yet another holiday event, where everyone else is married, alone.

I live in a college town where dating is pretty hard anyway, but throw in the fact that most people my age are already married and that makes it even worse.

But back to my unsettled feeling, I can't seem to shake myself free from it. It's not a sense of impending doom or anything; (I do get those occasionally) I just feel a sense of urgency. But I don't really know what I am feeling urgent about. UHHH!!

I think part of the problem is that I am not looking forward to having it pointed out to me that I am STILL single. I am also dreading the "who are you dating questions". That is one of the reasons for this blog. I have stopped talking to most people about my dating experiences because with every new guy I go on a date with, my friends get too excited about it. And when it doesn't work out, I get the pitiful and sometimes exasperated looks from people. Writing about my experiences is just easier, besides I don't have to repeat the stories over and over.

I'm sure this feeling will subside and that it is of my own making, but I just wish I could get a better handle on it and make the crazy go away. I hate feeling unsettled.

Monday, December 3, 2007

And Another One Boomerangs Back Again

Recently I received a phone call from a guy that I was dating about this time last year. Yeah, another Boomerang boy flies back into my orbit. I swear, I just don't get it. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about it. I don't know if I'm irritated (he ghosted) or curious as to why he is calling after all this time. Crap! I'll post more later when I'm not so conflicted. Stay tuned!