Monday, March 31, 2008
I also always thought that once you pass the 3 month mark of dating a person that you didn't really have to worry about him ghosting on you. However, a couple of years ago, that theory flew out the window when a guy I was dating took off after we'd been dating for a little over 3 months. I guess these days a person can take off at any time with no explanation.
Even the good night kiss is now on the table for re-defining. It has always been a good sign that a guy was into you when he went in for a passionate good night kiss. Now it seems that many men these days give a girl a passionate good night kiss and then just never call again. They secure the next date, give you a great kiss and disappear into the wind. I thought he was at least supposed to wait until after you've had sex to take off. WTF?
It has also been a universally good sign that a guy was into you if he shopped you. By that I mean, he started asking the important questions like "Do you ever want to marry, have kids, etc?" If you and your date agreed on all or most of the big life questions, I always thought that was a great sign. Not so much anymore according to a friend of mine who had this conversation with a date, and you guessed it, the guy ghosted.
What I'm really wondering is why things have changed? Did every man in the world read "He's Just Not That Into You" and decide to change his behavior just to keep women guessing? Did the boys club convene an emergency meeting and redefine the behaviors that women look for in a man that is interested in continuing to date her? Are they teaching this is secret classes all over the world and women just don't know about it?
So here is my summary of the new definition of dating signs:
Good night kiss means--nothing
Asking for another date means--nothing
Sex means--nothing (okay, this hasn't really changed)
Words that come out of his mouth mean--nothing
Can I get an updated dictionary, please?! I really don't think I'm working from the most recent copy.
I have noticed a disturbing trend in dating these days. Well, it’s disturbing to me anyway. It’s actually becoming a huge pet peeve of mine. I’ve noticed that men (and women in some cases) are starting to “Pavlov” their dates very early on after meeting them. Many of you will know that Pavlov is in reference to the scientist that experimented with dogs and conditioning their behavior by ringing bells to signal dinner time. I refer to it as “gettin’ Pavloved” when you are dating someone and they seem to be conditioning you, not to perform certain behaviors yourself, but to accept certain behaviors from them.
Recently, I went out on a couple of dates with Mr. Wonderful. However, right from the start it seemed like he began to condition me. And not in a good way. He’d say he would call around 6, but it was really more like 7 before the phone rang. He was about 15 minutes late for our first date. And finally, before the third date (I am the Two Date Diva, remember) he just didn’t call at all when he said he would. Now most people would say (and rightly so) he just wasn’t that into me. I would have to agree. But could it be that he was just conditioning me to accept his irresponsible behavior? How does a girl respond without sounding like a harpie with unreasonable expectations over man she’s only gone out with a couple of times?
Logic would suggest that when a couple is first getting to know each other, they would both be on their best behavior. However, what I am seeing more and more of in my own dating escapades, and those of my friends, is that many men (and some women) have figured out that putting your best foot forward may not always be necessary. Women, especially, have a tendency to overlook certain behaviors (lateness, not calling etc.) when they really like a guy and want things to progress into a relationship. They will make excuses and tell themselves, “That’s just the way he is!” or “He’s really a busy guy!” (Remember Amanda’s rationalization that texting was a new form of communication that she’d have to embrace, when her guy refused to call?) However, what women sometimes don’t realize is that if the behavior starts out bordering on unacceptable when he should be trying to impress you, it probably isn’t going to get any better once he’s got you. That’s the rub. If a guy starts a relationship with you by not following through with his word, not showing up for important events, and forgetting important dates (anniversaries or birthdays) he’s probably not going to change once you have girlfriend or wife status. In addition, his answer to your displeasure with his behavior is likely to be “Well, you knew I was this way when we met and you didn’t have a problem with it! Why are you trying to change me now?” And he would be right. He conditioned you from the beginning and you changed the rules.
The threat of being Pavloved is why it is so important for a woman to be current with her self and know what her deal breakers are and what behaviors she will and will not accept. She also has to be able to express her expectations to the man she is dating. Everyone has to have expectations of how they should be treated in any situation. However, many times women have been “conditioned” to believe that any expectation is unreasonable. Having expectations is not unreasonable, but thinking a man will just know what they are or that he would treat you the way you treat him IS unreasonable. You have to speak up and tell the boy what you want. If you never tell the guy that you expect him to call when he says he will, then he may not get it. Getting mad at him after the 10th time he doesn’t call isn’t going to help either. In the words of Barney Fife, “You gotta nip it in the bud!” Rather than excusing the behavior, tell the man what you expect of him the first time the issue rears its ugly head, and see if he is amenable to doing things differently. If he’s not, then he’s probably not the guy for you.
As far as Mr. Wonderful goes, I’m not sure if I will hear from him again. However, if I do, I will be sure to make it known that I expect a man to follow through when he says he will do something. I don’t know if I was being conditioned to accept his behavior or not, but one thing is for sure, I started to feel like one of Pavlov’s dogs and I didn't like it. And if I really was being Pavloved, I’ll just have throw Mr. Wonderful back and let him grow. Sorry buddy, but this puppy doesn’t salivate on command.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Following you heart seems like such a simple concept doesn’t it? However, sometimes it really is the most difficult thing in the world to do. It could be listening to that little voice that tells you that you need to move on from a relationship that is no longer serving you. It could be following your instinct to pursue a long held desire. Sometimes, it’s listening to the instinct that tells you to forget about the benefits, retirement or whatever you are clinging to, in a job that you hate, and move on to something that would make your heart sing. I believe listening to those instincts will always land you in a better place than you ever even imagined. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve had it happen. Yet, still, sometimes when opportunities present themselves, we hesitate.
Trish Ryan wrote in her blog this week about her certainty of what she wanted to do when she left college. She knew she wanted to be an attorney. However, she soon realized that she hated living her life around billable hours. If Trish hadn’t listened to that inner voice and just soldiered on, telling herself to stay put because this is what she’d always wanted, she might not have a book about to be published.
Trish heard her inner voice and listened to it. But what happens when that small still voice is drowned out by all of the other noise in our heads? When that voice gets over run by all of the other things we have going on? We can get so wrapped up in the daily minutia of performing the job we hate, that we don’t listen when our inner voice tries to whisper and tell us that we’d be more productive if we put some of that energy into doing something we love. We get so focused on trying to make a relationship work because we have invested time and energy into it; we don’t realize that by letting that relationship go, another better relationship could make its way to us. We don’t take the time to stop and listen.
I have been attempting to listen a little better lately. My Little Voice has never been one to whisper anyway, but these days, I’m giving her a bit more of a free reign to speak up. And I’m taking what she says to heart. In addition to spending time alone with my thoughts in meditation every day, I have begun to take one day a week where I plan nothing. I do nothing all day but follow my instincts. From what I have for lunch to what movie to see at night, I only follow my gut. It’s a lot harder than it sounds, especially for a girl whose trained profession is analyzing thoughts, motivations and behaviors. I tend to want to think everything to death. But, on what I now call my “free days,” I don’t over think. I just follow my heart and see where it leads. I’m hoping that this exercise will lead to every day being a “free day” and a deeper more robust trust of myself concerning everything. Because isn’t that really what it’s all about? Trusting yourself and the Universe to take care of everything so you can live free and happy really seems to be the bigger lesson here.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
What if you really like me and I don't feel the same?
What if we click, but don't want the same things in life?
What if you want to be with a girl just like me, but not ME?
What if I misread all the signs?
What If I hand you my heart and you hand it back?
Would you tell me the truth or what you think I want to hear?
Monday, March 24, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
First off I want to thank Jodi and all you fabulous readers for allowing a new voice to step in for a post. I always enjoy reading this blog and the reader comments. It seems you’ve got a great community, and I’m honored to be here.
I read Jodi’s February 21st post about turning 35 and not feeling anything like 35. I can relate. The big Three-Oh is right around the corner for me. For the most part, most of the time, standing at the doorstep of 30 doesn’t feel anything like I imaged it would at say 22 or 24 or even 28.
There are moments, however, when I do feel my age. Like when the cashier at the grocery store doesn’t bother asking for my ID when I buy a bottle of wine or when I look in the mirror and see a few unruly gray hairs seemingly misplaced atop my head.
Then there’s what happened last week, an event that made me ridiculously, dizzyingly, incomprehensibly grateful to be finally feeling my age.
I met Scott at Matt’s In The Market, which is a delicious little restaurant in
We chatted briefly before I gave him my phone number and said goodbye. I expected he would call soon. Such a bold move surely implied big follow through.
But Scott never called. Instead he sent me a text message a few weeks later that read something along the lines of, “hows it going.” I was disappointed that he had waited so long and that his grand gesture came in the form of a grammatically incorrect, unpunctuated text. But Scott was so handsome. And I was overworked. A little distraction was welcomed.
Via a few short typed messages we arranged to meet that night for dinner at The Pink Door, another fabulous restaurant in The Market. Scott was cuter than I had remembered and dinner was delightful.
Over the course of the next month we saw each other a handful of times, each meeting planned via text message. I must admit that I hated this. Verbal communication is essential for me, I need to hear the voice, to interpret intonations and bat banter. But I went along with it because he obviously did not want to talk. I would write things like, “Call me.” He wouldn’t. When I called him, he sent me straight to voicemail. So why did I keep it up? Well, like I said, he was handsome. Our meetings were always filled with ample flirting and romantic tension. I told myself that this texting thing was the new way, that I couldn’t be stuck in my stodgy ways. If I wanted to date, I had to move with times, go with flow, adapt to new ways of communication. So I sucked it up and developed calluses on the tips of my thumbs.
Then came last week. I had dined with a friend at an amazing new restaurant, and after dinner, I longed to talk to Scott. He and I share a passion for food and I knew he would love the restaurant I had just discovered. But I also knew that no text message—not even one peppered with exclamation points—could do justice to my story. So I dialed his number and when Scott actually answered, I was elated. “He misses me,” I thought. “He actually does like to talk on the phone. Maybe we are a match made in heaven after all.”
But my buzz was killed quickly when promptly after saying hello he announced, “Send me a text. I’m at a party. I can’t hear.”
“You’re where?” I asked.
I looked at my phone. Sure enough, Scott had hung up. I was shocked. My mouth literally fell open. Seconds later my phone lit up, announcing that I had received a new text message. It was from Scott and read only, “send text.”
And so, I sucked it up, I pulled out my hardened thumbs, I embraced the role of a thoroughly modern woman partaking in new forms communication and I tapped, “While I do find you utterly adorable, I refuse to date a man who communicates solely via text message. Ring me if you want to talk.”
It probably goes without saying, I have not heard from Scott. But I’m not bothered. If it’s true what they say about everybody coming into our lives for a reason, then Scott’s reason was to mirror for me how I have grown since 22, 24 and even 28. I can recall countless dates in my 20s with guys who treated me with little respect. Guys who talked on cell phones through dinner while I spackled butter over another slice of bread, guys who flirted with waitress while I sipped cocktails pretending not to notice, guys who never called while sat patiently painting my toenails. I spent way too much time shifting my ideals, squelching my truth, compromising my heart. When I sent that text message to Scott I felt freed and empowered that I was finally able to stand up for what I needed without getting sheepish, embarrassed, angry, demanding or ridden with guilt. I wouldn’t trade the feeling for an ID check or fewer gray hairs any day.
So here’s to big birthdays and to being big enough to finally say exactly what we need right when we need it!
Amanda Ford is the author of Kiss Me, I’m Single. You can visit her at her website, www.oholive.com
With wisdom in her youth and poetry in her prose, Amanda Ford is a rare human being and a beautiful writer. She is the author of four books including Kiss Me, I'm Single: An Ode to the Solo Life and the internationally loved, Be True to Yourself: A Daily Guide for Teenage Girls. Her work has appeared in publications such as The Seattle Times, The Chicago Tribune and Real Simple magazine. As the relationship expert for eHow.com, Amanda writes articles and a love advice column in which she works to help her readers deepen all the relationships in their lives using kindness, compassion, understanding and play. Amanda lives in Seattle and when she isn't writing, you can catch her Lindy Hopping, bicycle riding, tea sipping, joke telling and status quo questioning. You can visit her website at www.oholive.com.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
1.Put your music player on shuffle.
2.Press forward for each question.
3.Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn’t make sense. NO CHEATING!
4.Bold the questions and with the answers, give your own comments on how it relates to the questions.
5.Tag some people.
So... let's play! :)
1. How are you feeling today?
Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid-Hall and Oates- Yeah, been in a bit of a funk at work today, so this fits.
2. Will you get far in your life?
When Doves Cry-Prince --Sounds like I am in for a bit of heartache.
3. How do your friends see you?
Right Through You-- Alanis Morrisette--Apparently I am transparent, which is a pretty good way to live I guess.
4. Will you every marry?
3 AM-- Matchbox 20--Does this mean I'll get married and I'll be lonely every night? Well that just sucks.
5. What is the favorite theme of your best friend?
Thou Swell-Nat King Cole.--I think Margaritaville, best fits her, but she's swell too.
6. What is the story of your life?
Conviction Of The Heart-Kenny Loggins--I would hope that I live for the convictions of my heart.
7. How was it like in high school?
Hope You're Feeling Better-Santana--Life is much better since high school, that much I know for sure.
8.How can you advance in life?
Mountain Hare Krishna-Krishna Das-Spirituality is the key!
9.What is the coolest thing about your friends?
Tequila Loves Me-Kenny Chesney--Tequila(Colorado) Beth-Are you reading girl?
10. What's in store for the weekend?
The Becoming-Nine Inch Nails--Hmm, prophetic or not?
11. What song describes you best?
Cry-Def Leppard--Not really, but I wonder if this is being prophetic too?
12. How about your grandparents?
Eirigh Suas A Stoirin--Máire Brennan-- My Ancestors are Celtic, so it fits I guess.
13. How is your life going?
A Beautiful Friendship--Nat King Cole--I do have quite a few of these, which means I am very blessed.
14. What song will play at your funeral?
Talking To My Angel--Melissa Etheridge--Very appropriate.
15. How does the world see you?
White Riot The Clash--I could definitely see how people could see me as being a riot in more ways than one.
16. Will you have a happy life?
Love On The Rocks-Poison--Come on now, WTF?
17. What do your friends really think about you?
Worlds Apart -Bruce Springsteen--Many of us do live far apart.
18. Are there people that secretly want you?
No No No-Def Leppard--I could not make this shit up!
19. How to make myself happy?
Rumors-Lindsay Lohan--That's how I amuse myself alright, I start rumors about people I don't really know.
20. What should you do with your life?
Factory Girl-The Chieftains--Beats the job I have now.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
So the Flake finally made it to town. He showed up on my doorstep on Friday afternoon wanting to go have sushi, drink a couple of beers and play darts. It wasn’t a date, just friends catching up, so I agreed. We had a blast. He bought dinner and I bought the beer. We threw darts and laughed until our sides hurt.
He took a break to go to the restroom and I found myself wondering what it was (besides his flakiness) that had been so hard about dating him. The flakiness had come later in the game so, it wasn’t just that. What was it that kept me from continuing to see a guy that I had so much fun with? Maybe it was the pint of Guinness I had just consumed, but I couldn’t really remember at that moment.
It hit me Saturday afternoon when he stopped by after his workout. Do you remember that episode of Friends when Monica was dating the guy they called “Fun Bobby”? After taking stock of all of the wine they’d consumed one night, they all figured out just why Bobby was so fun. He was always drinking. When the guy sobered up, his true personality was so depressing it drove Monica to drink. Yeah, you know where this is going. I had dated “Fun Flakey.” Don’t get me wrong Flakey is a great guy, but unless he has a of couple beers in him (or I do) he doesn’t really have a personality. Apparently, Flakey is a two drink minimum.
Now, don’t get me wrong, Flakey is not in any way shape or form an alcoholic. (We’d probably still be dating if he were. Ha!Ha!) It’s just that he is a completely different person when he’s had a of couple drinks versus when he’s totally alcohol free. He seems very reserved when he’s completely sober—no flirting, no touching, kind of moody and quiet. But when he’s had a couple of drinks, he laughs and talks and socializes. Fun Flakey I could date. Sober Flakey made me want to back over him with my car because he was so moody. Now I understand why I was in a constant state of confusion when we tried to date. I was never quite sure what mood he was going to be in because I hadn’t tied the alcohol in with his behavior. Hindsight is a great thing.
Of course dating him again was never in the question, but it’s nice to be able to put that relationship to bed with the realization that there was this fun, flirty, outgoing side to him that was so appealing. However, the moody broody (and flakey) side of him was just a bit more than I could take and it wound up being a deal breaker for me.
Live and learn.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
However, no fear! I am feeling much better and in the next couple of days I will return to my regularly scheduled posting activities. Besides, Baby had an eye opening weekend out on the town (before she caught the Funk).
To be continued........
Monday, March 10, 2008
"It only takes one." I replied. This conversation was completely intriguing and started the wheels in my head turning. Have I dated myself in the past? The answer was a resounding YES! (At least according to voices in my head.)
Once upon a time, I was a bit more insecure than I am now and I was the girl that would call the boy if he stopped calling and emailing. I would pursue, come on a bit strong and the boy would bolt. The first guy that I had do that to me completely broke me of the habit and I haven't behaved that way since, no matter how much I like the boy.
I have also been the girl that stayed at the party way too long. I have continued a relationship with a man even though I knew I really wasn't in love with him and things needed to end. I didn't want to hurt him, but more than that, I didn't want to have the awkward "I'm not really into you" conversation. Frat Boy cured me of that little issue. Now, if I'm not feeling it, I don't drag the poor boy through hell, I let go.
My friend was right, dating yourself is very exhausting. But, it can also be an eye opening experience. Once you've had your own bag of tricks played on you, it gives you an entirely new perspective. I think my friend will definitely think twice before she stays in her head instead of communicating honestly with her boyfriend. And as for me, I know that I always make sure to check myself and my actions and ask the question of how I would feel if I were on the receiving end of my own behavior.
Friday, March 7, 2008
"I just wanted to tell you that you look very beautiful." He said.
"Wow, thank you so much, I appreciate that." I replied, somewhat in shock. He just smiled and drove away. No creepy come on or "hey baby, can I get your number" pick up lines. He just gave me a sincere compliment and drove away. That's how it's done people! I think my ego has been boosted enough to last until next month. (Especially since I just turned 35!)
Thursday, March 6, 2008
I know first and foremost I have a passion for travel. Even though I don't get to indulge this one as often as I would like, it is there, reminding me that I need to take some time for me and get a little culture when I can. Any man that I date would have to love to travel or we won't see much of each other. Secondly, I have a passion for books and reading. I believe I have even referred to myself as a book addict in a previous post and that would be pretty accurate. Lately, in addition to reading, I have developed a serious passion for writing. Whether it is blogging here or writing in my journal, just knowing that I get to write each day gets me out of bed. I also have a slight obsession with itunes and music. I have such varied taste in music that I never get bored with it. A great song can take you from a gloomy, grumpy mood to a happy and excited mood in a matter of minutes. Lastly and probably most importantly, I am very passionate about spiritual pursuits and self actualization. Just knowing that every day is an opportunity to learn from my past mistakes and start over is extremely empowering and exciting to me. I know that if I have a terrible day on Monday that Tuesday is a huge mulligan and I can make it anything that I want it be.
So, there you have it; a few things that I have a passion for. What about you all? What are the Cyberpeeps passionate about these days?
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
2. My almost daily 1 hour walk/jog therapy session
3. My cats
4. Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life by Wayne Dyer
6. My blog (you guys keep me sane)
8. Taking a vacation
9. Ghirardelli chocolate
10. Rock of Love (Okay I feel the need to defend this one. I don't really like reality TV, but this is like a train wreck that you can't turn away from.)
Okay, your turn!
Saturday, March 1, 2008
That being said, it seems to me that I'm not looking for the perfect guy, but I might be looking for the perfect situation. I don't mean the perfect romantic scenario like running through a field of wild flowers or whatever, but I mean the perfect set up. He's not still married or involved with another woman and I'm not involved with anyone either. Neither of us are 2 days out of a messy breakup. We didn't bond over some recent drama in our lives and our entire relationship is not based on wound licking. I'd rather have more substance than that.
I know that we all have drama and baggage in our lives. I'm not looking for anyone that is free of that. We all have our pasts and things we must contend with. But what I do want is to date someone that is aware of his stuff and how it affects him and has at least dealt with some of it. I want someone who can meet me toe to toe on equal footing where we can really get to know one another and see if we can live with each others baggage and quirks. I don't want to complete anyone, (to quote Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire) I rather he come to me as a whole individual to begin with.
Am I crazy to want to start a relationship this way? Am I nuts to want to start something off on a healthy note rather than having to wade through each other's unchecked emotional baggage and past relationships before we've even gotten to know each other's middle names? I may not be nuts, but I do think I am in the minority these days. People really seem to prefer excitement and drama over healthy and whole (read:boring, to many). Give me a big 'ol helping of boring and healthy any day over incomplete and drama prone. A big side of chemistry would be nice too. ;)