I went for my previously blogged about root canal this week. The entire experience has me wondering about fear and my response to it.
I've never really considered myself a fearful person. In fact, most of my friends would tell you I am one of the most fearless people they know. Need someone to speak up during a meeting at work? I'm your girl. Need someone to trek off into the jungle in a foreign county and climb a temple? Sign me up. In my quest to make sure I live life to the fullest, I've turned into a "try anything once" kind of girl.
However, just one bad experience at the dentist and I was completely white knuckled at the thought of having this root canal. I had to talk myself into getting out of the car and going in for my appointment. I thought I was going to pass out. Of course, everything turned out fine and I've had no pain at all, but it's gotten me thinking about what other kind of pain I might be trying to avoid. If it only took one bad experience with one dentist to freak me out about ever going back to another dentist, what have my bad relationship experiences made me afraid of?
In actuality, I have only had one bad relationship experience. My marriage and divorce was not so terrible. I came out of that experience stronger and more confident, knowing exactly what I wanted and didn't want in my next relationship. I trusted my instincts pretty well.
My post divorce relationship (about year after my marriage ended) is what I would consider a bad experience. I left that one not trusting myself or anyone else. I didn't know what was up or what was down. I felt utterly confused and, in a word, crushed. No, make that completely crushed. I still knew what I wanted, but I didn't trust my instincts to recognize it.
So, if one bad dentist visit could make me so fearful of ever going back, did one bad relationship make me afraid of getting into another one? I don't have the answer, but the question is an interesting one.
I've never really considered myself a fearful person. In fact, most of my friends would tell you I am one of the most fearless people they know. Need someone to speak up during a meeting at work? I'm your girl. Need someone to trek off into the jungle in a foreign county and climb a temple? Sign me up. In my quest to make sure I live life to the fullest, I've turned into a "try anything once" kind of girl.
However, just one bad experience at the dentist and I was completely white knuckled at the thought of having this root canal. I had to talk myself into getting out of the car and going in for my appointment. I thought I was going to pass out. Of course, everything turned out fine and I've had no pain at all, but it's gotten me thinking about what other kind of pain I might be trying to avoid. If it only took one bad experience with one dentist to freak me out about ever going back to another dentist, what have my bad relationship experiences made me afraid of?
In actuality, I have only had one bad relationship experience. My marriage and divorce was not so terrible. I came out of that experience stronger and more confident, knowing exactly what I wanted and didn't want in my next relationship. I trusted my instincts pretty well.
My post divorce relationship (about year after my marriage ended) is what I would consider a bad experience. I left that one not trusting myself or anyone else. I didn't know what was up or what was down. I felt utterly confused and, in a word, crushed. No, make that completely crushed. I still knew what I wanted, but I didn't trust my instincts to recognize it.
So, if one bad dentist visit could make me so fearful of ever going back, did one bad relationship make me afraid of getting into another one? I don't have the answer, but the question is an interesting one.
8 comments:
Good question. I almost fell down that same trap. After a very good 12 year relationship and amicable break up, I almost started dating the biggest jerk. It could have really messed with my judgment and self-esteem. But luckily my crush turned me off so badly I was able to walk away. I do know not everyone is so lucky. I definitely wouldn't let any man take your power away. We women are strong don't forget that.
i had no idea you were married before! when did i miss that? anyway, it's hard to say if there is an underlying fear there. but courage is doing something despite fear. I still think you are moving forward with your life and we will always run into scary sitations or moments. what would be bad is if you didn't move foward because of a fear of what might happen. I don't think that's you at all.
The thing about dentists is rarely do we ever enjoy going. We may not fear being there, but I wouldn't say anyone enjoys being in the dentist's chair. On the other hand, we can all name times (some of us many) when we've enjoyed being in a relationship or having the companionship of another person. So, to me, it's hard to compare the two.
That is a good question. Maybe it isn't that it was one bad relationship, but that it came after a divorce that wasn't so bad.
We tend to think that we've learned something after a divorce, something about ourselves that makes us somehow wiser so we won't repeat all the bad stuff. Then when we do, or it's even worse, we're disappointed in ourselves!
So, it's not you, it's him!
Now, go out there fearlessly!
I always come here and find a little of myself on every page!
1218- good thing you didn't fall into that trap!
Surfergrrl- I may not have mentioned it before, it's been so long ago it hardly ever comes up anymore.
Nilsa- I hope you're right.
Kat and Adventure Grrl- Here's to dating fearlessly!
Do you have perfectionist tendencies? I do and find that one massive failure was enough to make me not trust anything I think, feel or believe. I've gone a long way towards getting over that need to be perfect.
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