When someone doesn't react as we thought they would or if someone decides not to see us again even after a great couple of dates, we tend to look at ourselves and ask "What went wrong? What did I do?" However, as I am slowly learning the hard way, it might not always be about me.
You may remember a few months back I went out with a guy who asked me out for a third date before the end of the second one, and gave me an awesome good night kiss. I lamented about this date in the A Kiss is Still A Kiss post. I have to admit that I spent a couple of days going over that date in my head trying to figure out what I could have done wrong to cause the guy to flake out on me and never call back. Even though, logically, I knew I hadn't done anything wrong. If I had, he most likely would not have asked me out for another date. He would have just gotten in his car and left. So, what happened? Who knows? And frankly, who cares? It ain't about me.
Recently, I had a similar incident. A few weeks ago I had two great dates with a guy that ghosted on me a year ago. In my quest to date out of my box, I gave him another chance. And wouldn't you know it? He ghosted again. He called me and canceled a date we had planned and he's never called or emailed again. Why did he ghost? Again, who the hell knows? But the point is, it really doesn't matter because it has nothing to do with me.
I could sit and suppose why he would cancel and agonize over every conversation we had, but what would be the point? He ghosted because he wanted to and that's what matters. The amazing thing is, once you let go of blaming and questioning yourself, it's very easy to let go of the whole situation. Once you allow people to be responsible for their own actions, the "why" of it all no longer really matters and it's easy to shrug your shoulders and move on.
Once you get it that it's really not all about you, the world of dating looks a whole lot different.
6 comments:
I couldn't agree more. I think SO@24 wrote a great post about how dating really shouldn't be that complicated. It's like, here I am, take me or leave me. If you're living at all authentically, then if they don't choose you, it wasn't meant to be. Nothing should have to be forced, games should not have to be played...it just happens. I think it's then that you can start to enjoy being in dates because you are kind of "free" in a sense.
You know this is so true. Funny, was just discussing this with a girlfriend last night, saying how I wonder if it's me or the men that I'm meeting, because really, I think that with exception of your usual little quirks, I pretty much have my head straight.
She said to me "you know what, you aren't the problem, they are".
Great Post!!! And if all those guys pass you up, well....thats their loss.
Once you get it that it's really not all about you, the world of dating looks a whole lot different. Sounds pretty darn impersonal, but you're absolutely right. Once people realize there's countless numbers of factors that go into dating (and why dates do and do not work out), it's easier to understand why things don't work. What becomes difficult and almost baffling is understanding when dates do work out.
You're so right. Sometimes, it's about him. Most of the time, actually. Life gets much easier when (okay, if) we stop assuming every bad conclusion is because we did something wrong. Thanks for the reminder!
This was a great post. I usually blame myself when things don't work out. And sometimes, it might be a lack of chemistry, etc. But then other times, it's them. Good reminder not to take things so personally. It just means it wasn't the right person at the time.
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